When your boyfriend gets mean when he’s angry, it can be very hurtful and tiring. Remember that his anger is not your fault. If this is the first time he’s acted this way, we have some tips to help you both deal with his feelings and talk about how his words or actions affect you.
We’ll also look at why he might be acting mean and help you understand when his behavior might be abusive. Keep reading to find out more. Let’s get started!
Why Your Boyfriend Acts Mean When Angry
Your boyfriend’s behavior might stem from his upbringing or unresolved trauma. Have an open conversation about your feelings and establish boundaries to enhance your relationship. If you ever feel threatened, seek support from someone you trust.
1. Ask Him Why He’s Angry And Let Him Know You Understand.
When someone feels heard, they’re more likely to listen to you too. Once you’re both calm, gently ask what’s bothering him. As he talks, look him in the eye, repeat back what he’s saying to show you’re listening, and don’t interrupt.
Letting him vent isn’t giving in; it’s just a way to cool things down so you can talk about it calmly. Show you get it by reflecting back on what he’s saying. Saying “I understand you’re upset because I didn’t return your call while I was out with my friends” is one example of what you may say.
If talking makes him angrier or escalates things, tell him you need some space to calm down and think. Step away for a few hours or even take a few days apart if you need to.
2. Tell Him Directly How His Actions Made You Feel.
Start by saying something like, “I care about our relationship” or “I know you don’t mean to upset me” to show you understand his feelings. Then, describe what he did during the argument, use an “I” statement to explain how it made you feel, and ask him to change that behavior.
For example, you might say, “I know you didn’t mean to upset me, but I felt really hurt and sad when you said I’m terrible at cooking. It would mean a lot if you didn’t insult my abilities like that.”
Or you could say, “I feel hurt when you come home from work and immediately get frustrated with me. I want our home to feel safe and calm, and lately, I haven’t felt that way.”
Also, share what you want your relationship to look like. For example, “My goal is for us to communicate better, keep our stress levels down, and enjoy each other’s company. I want us to thrive and be happy.”
3. Ask Him What He Needs From You And Work On A Solution Together.
His harsh words might come from feeling unfairly treated. Let him know you want to understand and help with his frustrations. Find a way to meet in the middle where both of you feel good.
Discuss ways he can handle his emotions better. For instance, if he’s stressed from work, suggest he take an hour each day to unwind before you spend time together.
Stick to one issue at a time. This helps you both process your feelings and find a solution more effectively.
Stand up for yourself when a request isn’t fair. If he wants you to skip work or school, let him know, “I need to focus on my responsibilities. My future is really important to me.”
4. Reframe Things Positively To Maintain Composure And Prevent Becoming Defensive.
This entails making an effort to view the circumstances from a fresh, optimistic perspective. For instance, if your partner is irritated, consider the possibility that he is simply having a difficult day rather than concluding that you are bothering him all the time.
Although it might be difficult to feel sympathy for someone who is being cruel, changing your viewpoint can help you remain calm and avoid becoming defensive.
Reframing does not require you to put up with his rage, remember that. It serves as a simple self-reminder that you are not to blame.
5. Accept That You Can’t “Fix” Your Boyfriend.
It’s tough, but you need to understand that changing someone is beyond your control—only he can decide to make changes. Don’t try to force it, especially if he doesn’t think there’s a problem. Be gentle with yourself and remember that you have your own needs too.
For example, if you feel bad about not being able to drop everything for him, remind yourself: “I wish I could have helped, and I know he might still be upset, but I need to take care of myself as well.”
6. Always Improve Upon Your Value.
In case your partner teases you or says unfavorable things about you, you can become seriously out of balance. Do not forget that empathy is what you deserve. Whenever the going gets tough, take some time to unwind and look after yourself. The following are various simple ways that can help:
- Use positive affirmations in front of a mirror as you start your day.
- Eat a balanced diet and drink enough water.
- Stick to regular sleep patterns.
- For instance, read or garden or participate in other quieting hobbies.
- Click on the doubt button for any negative thoughts.
- Aim at relaxation techniques such as meditation
- Depend on your family for assistance.
7. If Things Aren’t Improving, Consider Seeing A Therapist.
If you’re constantly having the same fights with your boyfriend, a relationship therapist might be able to help. They may suggest new ways to manage annoyances and improve the way you communicate with each other so that both of you can feel listened to.
A therapist offers an impartial forum in which both of your viewpoints may be aired without prejudice. Even if your boyfriend refuses to go to therapy, a counselor may still be helpful for you. It will give you more support and enable you to work through what’s really on your mind
A Mean Boyfriend Directs All His Anger And Insults Towards You.
Someone who is temporarily irritable may say something occasionally that they don’t mean. A mean person will say these things intentionally, gaslight you (blame you or twist reality), or put you down, even in a teasing way.
He might also have crossed that line if: he often criticizes what you do, the choices you make, or how you look; he shames you all the time for your thoughts or actions; he blames his emotions or outbursts on you.
- He intentionally humiliates you in front of other people.
- He calls you names or makes mean jokes about you.
- He makes your thoughts, values, or opinions seem unimportant.
- He constantly invades your privacy by reading your messages, monitoring your social media, or showing up at events you’re attending alone.